Love a Mist

The lingering dew of the mist of love seems not to be enough to quench the thirst: mine. More and more I am fading into the misty blues of love. A love; that has not been the filler of what I thought I posses. I have not been that which I set out to be or to obtain, in the midst of this love. How do I be that which he sees me not? DO I even TRY?

NO more!

Have you ever woke up and found out you are not who you thought you were to the one who is everything in your world? Seems like this is the story of my life. Maybe instead of the regulatory background check or catch up, the quest should be to find out how this person sees you or what role you may play in this persons video. WOW! Life is like that box of chocolate... you don't know what you are going to get and most of the stuff gets left in the box; because it is not palatable. But what do you do with the chocolate that you chose to bite into? Anyhow that is another blog.

Back to the question at hand.

I remember feeling that I was my sister's best-friend and found out later we were enemies... literally! I was flabbergasted.

I can even remember thinking I was friends with this guy and he was thinking I was his woman. Can you imagine the mess when I introduced my man to him? Yeah... disastrous.

Now, how can you imagine having a man and he, after a year ends up telling you the role in his life he sees you in is, educator! LOL. I am clear now that wife is out of this picture if it ever was in! Surely husband for me is out and diminished. Love is there but it is a mist. I tried not to hear him but lord knows I have no choice. Now my question is... how do you move from wanting to be this nurturing, caring, loving, catering, affectionate, motherly, sensual sista to the educator?

I am thrown a loop. Nothing I do can or will put me in the wife's role with this man.

I do clearly understand that my position must be... to be what he sees me as. What do I look like trying to fill another woman's role in his life. Crazy huh.

In this moment I celebrate my own stance on who I am and not trying to fill the shoes of another. If I am not that one... change the game or players.

In this moment, I celebrate... I am that one, in my life.

Love nor War

All is not fair in love nor war

There is a bomb you must not throw to even the score

A bomb you see

That will kill you and me.

When faced with defeat,

There is always an escape to even the case.

You must remember the door.

There is two options for you to see

Death is one, the trump is retreat.

A fool buries himself

The wise opt out or defeat.

Leaving a time once more

For this cause Love or War.

Well, maybe ALL is fair

if you dare to live or die.

Oh my why cry?

For the choice is always yours.

Left or faced with defeat...

die or retreat.

Cry no more.

All is fair in love and war!

The Power of a LOVE; Sung

In this moment of enormous heighten insecurity; the love of my life is threatening once again to walk out on US, ME the WE.

I choose to ride off into the momentous sunset to seek my solace in the harmonious unification of creation. The Source filled power of the chaotic is overwhelming yet comforting; the monumental feeling of defeat that is grasping out at me. The chirping of the robin in the bush, irritates the core of my being; not that he is out of sync in the flow of togetherness, but that he is and I long to be. The greater feeling of wanting to belong is flooding to the forefront; leaving the feeling of abandonment on the side of the road. If there is not he then where will the we be?

What is it or what does it take for me to be in the harmonious flow of the togetherness that surrounds me? What am I missing? What is he missing? My love, our love is it not strong enough to overpower his desire to be apart of a whole not the few, found in US? I dare to exhale the fullness of a separation. Yet her pull, their pull is stronger than the desire of ever in the the everlasting on with me. I found myself out of alignment of his greater purpose. His design and desire does not include the choosing of one; yet many. I once walked in agreeance with the grand plan and now I find myself on the outside looking in.

I found myself loving in a space of which I have never visited or tred before. This Selfish kind of love. This selfish kind of love. This selfish form of greed. Yes I said it thrice. That is how many ways and times I questioned what am I doing and how did I get off ship? He surely has been honest from the beginning of this quest or journey we are/were on. It is I, who have not been honest with him or self, until now. He is not wavering his will... am I?

I want alone-ness of the whole with him. I want him and I to be ONE alone. This is not in the grand scheme of things at hand. The greater fullness of the whole is togetherness of the many to create oneness of the many. Fact is don't know where I am and don't know where he is going. All I know is I love him: Selfishly.

My soul cries out as I vent of our parting of ways and will, to the listening ear of the one who afforded me friendship; the phone rings.

"You are so beautiful to me..." he sings so eloquently of familiar gone by. I began to smile as I listen and remembered the times his singing was the light to a busy day and was plenteous. I remember his ability to make me smile no matter the song; in that moment. I began to smile. he sang on. My eyes welled up... a tear falls. "beautiful" a muster out as he finishes the first verse. He goes on. My heart warms to the harmonious flow of his love to my soul. I breathe in ever so deeply as forgiveness overwhelms me. I breathe out... exhale if I must... all I want is to savor this moment.

My smile wars my soul as he continues; how can I forget the moment I first began to smile at him...

I melted as he walked toward me handing me my tea.

This moment: a reflection, a renewing of hope, a confronting of fear and insecurity, and joy in my wait.

If he decides to leave... in this moment...

I submit to the power of a LOVE sung.