The Power of a LOVE; Sung

In this moment of enormous heighten insecurity; the love of my life is threatening once again to walk out on US, ME the WE.

I choose to ride off into the momentous sunset to seek my solace in the harmonious unification of creation. The Source filled power of the chaotic is overwhelming yet comforting; the monumental feeling of defeat that is grasping out at me. The chirping of the robin in the bush, irritates the core of my being; not that he is out of sync in the flow of togetherness, but that he is and I long to be. The greater feeling of wanting to belong is flooding to the forefront; leaving the feeling of abandonment on the side of the road. If there is not he then where will the we be?

What is it or what does it take for me to be in the harmonious flow of the togetherness that surrounds me? What am I missing? What is he missing? My love, our love is it not strong enough to overpower his desire to be apart of a whole not the few, found in US? I dare to exhale the fullness of a separation. Yet her pull, their pull is stronger than the desire of ever in the the everlasting on with me. I found myself out of alignment of his greater purpose. His design and desire does not include the choosing of one; yet many. I once walked in agreeance with the grand plan and now I find myself on the outside looking in.

I found myself loving in a space of which I have never visited or tred before. This Selfish kind of love. This selfish kind of love. This selfish form of greed. Yes I said it thrice. That is how many ways and times I questioned what am I doing and how did I get off ship? He surely has been honest from the beginning of this quest or journey we are/were on. It is I, who have not been honest with him or self, until now. He is not wavering his will... am I?

I want alone-ness of the whole with him. I want him and I to be ONE alone. This is not in the grand scheme of things at hand. The greater fullness of the whole is togetherness of the many to create oneness of the many. Fact is don't know where I am and don't know where he is going. All I know is I love him: Selfishly.

My soul cries out as I vent of our parting of ways and will, to the listening ear of the one who afforded me friendship; the phone rings.

"You are so beautiful to me..." he sings so eloquently of familiar gone by. I began to smile as I listen and remembered the times his singing was the light to a busy day and was plenteous. I remember his ability to make me smile no matter the song; in that moment. I began to smile. he sang on. My eyes welled up... a tear falls. "beautiful" a muster out as he finishes the first verse. He goes on. My heart warms to the harmonious flow of his love to my soul. I breathe in ever so deeply as forgiveness overwhelms me. I breathe out... exhale if I must... all I want is to savor this moment.

My smile wars my soul as he continues; how can I forget the moment I first began to smile at him...

I melted as he walked toward me handing me my tea.

This moment: a reflection, a renewing of hope, a confronting of fear and insecurity, and joy in my wait.

If he decides to leave... in this moment...

I submit to the power of a LOVE sung.

Childlike Expression

I allow my inner child to express the joys I feel.

I open up to the playground of LIFE that I may allow my inner child time to play, daily.

I enter each new moment, whether good or bad, as a child... eager to know, learn and truly experience the joys and/or pains of the moment.

Today I celebrate my childlike expression.

Caught Empty Handed

I ran into this guy that hurt me to the very core of my being; about 15 years ago at the supermarket today. Yeah I know; it has been a long time to be speaking on what he did. Thing is, I had no contact with him in the aforementioned time frame. I had no opportunity to be confronted before now.

He greeted me with wide eyes and and aura of excitement of looking upon me; once again. At first glance, I did not recognize him. It wasn't until he went to hug me and the fell of his touch, that I felt the rising up of familiar. I gently pulled back.

The first flood of emotions was fear for my daughter who was with me. I didn't want to alert her of my apprehension of furthering the conversation. I didn't want her to know he hurt me. Then he blurts out "I am preaching now". I froze. Then I hurriedly moved to the door of the supermarket; explaining to him I was leaving. I was hoping he would get the picture and walk away. He kept trying to hold the conversation. He even offered up the desire for me to come visit him at his church.

Later...

As I sat quietly; I began to stew. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of betrayal of myself. I should have done something. I should have confronted him for touching me, talking to me, and surely for suggesting I visit him. But I did nothing. I began to hear a voice saying softly... "Your healed". I let it pass as quickly and quietly as it came. I wondered what was wrong with me. Hey maybe I was forgiving him or maybe I was still afraid. Was it, I was a weak minded coward like before?

I chose to seek council with the Traveler.

How do you know if your operating in forgiveness or fear? Two key factors that the Traveler pointed out was... forgiveness it intentional and they feel different. My first mind was to beg the differ. But I stilled myself and questioned self. I found that I could not have forgiven I had no intention to ever forgive. I found I was not cowering to the thought of him hurting me. I probed further. I did not like the feeling that rose up in me. I had to escape self.

I went for a run on the track. Then I walked around and round till I could stand to listen from within. I argued " Your crazy for real. Don't you think he deserves a punishing. I know you don't think he should just get away with it." I found myself with no justification of the lack of action or desire to act. I heard that subtle voice say again "Your healed". Wow. Could it be that I have no emotion or reaction because I am no longer in pain? Now that has got to be irrational to any person.

I woke up this morning saying "yes I am healed". But my rational mind wanted to be angry and justified in that anger.Then I realized there is no need for revenge, anger, or any type of justifiable negative energy. I am truly healed of this pain and many of the pains of my past. This was the biggest test.

In my search of self, I was caught empty handed of the most sought after emotion: anger.

Z

The Alone Side of Togetherness

I woke up this morning with the thought of, the alone side of togetherness. What or better-yet why, is that the first thing that the universe whispered to me? I realized, that today I am found alone once again; in the togetherness of the love relationship I possess. My reality is that, I am alone and moments of loneliness tries to flood my mind. I am faced with the options to wallow or rise. I choose to rise. I choose to enjoy the alone time and reflect upon the joy filled moment this love has offered me over the course of this journey in which I am on.

Reflecting upon the laughter, the spontaneous melodies sung to me over the phone that bring tears of joy to my heart and eyes; I smile. As I breath in this moment I capture the remembrance of a moment I caught him pausing from his work to look upon me; he smiles.

On this alone side of togetherness I embrace the ability to re-member us. In his absentia I exhale a sigh of longing for his touch, voice, and his energy that revives me. As I inhale the purest form of love that he leaves behind; I am warmed throughout my soul. A tear fall from my eyes, not due to the loneliness yet the togetherness that we have ever so graciously created.

I choose to embrace the fullness of togetherness at this moment; although history has shown when left alone the tendency is to play or stray out of the yard. I choose to savor the fullness of our boundaries we have staked this love upon. Many ask is it worth it; when left alone so often? Knowing the fullness of his whereabouts and plausible actions... I tend to wonder and wander upon the terrain of loves lair. Where have I found my solace? In the monumental moments of reflections of the embraces of his love; our love. If it all ends today... I have been truly blessed with the joys of a love: ever growing, ever forgiving, ever building my strength of character, eternally strengthening my ability to embrace the joyous side of life and renewing my desire to be... in the moment.

Z